RELATIONSHIPS 102

This posting is a follow up to Relationships 101 posted on July 29, 2014.

Photo courtesy of

Joni Mignone

Now that you have identified a comprehensive list of your relationships, you may be interested in a tool that can help you decide which ones are worthy of your energy and those that are not. You can evaluate your relationships using the questions and examples below. For each relationship you have identified, try to answer the following questions:

How did this relationship begin? Can you even remember?

Tracing the genesis of a relationship through its evolution may give you insight into why you remain in it. Sometimes your needs evolve and your original reasons for creating or engaging may have produced a relationship that is currently impractical.

Are you a conscious participant in this relationship? Is this a robotic, automated pairing?

Let’s face it, we are probably sleep walking through some of our relationships. Perhaps you start your day by listening to or watching the news every morning. Are you recalling any of the information? If not, perhaps you are engaging out of habit. Because you are unconsciously participating in this relationship, removing yourself may not matter or impact your life much. OR removing it could absolutely impact your mornings by allowing you to free psychical space and replace it with silence or energizing or peaceful music.

Is this relationship balanced? Are you receiving as much as you are contributing?

You must establish what balance means to you before reflecting on these two questions.

Something important to consider when pondering these questions is that oftentimes perfectly healthy relationships are not balanced. This is certainly true in the case of a lengthy relationship. At certain times, one may give more than the other but the end result is that your needs are being met more often than not.

Is there a hidden motive to why I am in this relationship? Well, is there?

To find this answer you may have to do some soul searching and stage an excavating and recovery exhibition in your psyche. If you identified a relationship but can’t put your finger on why you are in it or how it started, the answers may have shifted to your subconscious. The journey through your memories, fears and blockages may prove a little difficult but so worth it.

Does this relationship benefit someone else other than myself? Who else needs me to be in this relationship?

Sometimes we remain in a relationship because doing so directly benefits another person.

For example, your best friend sells a popular cosmetics' line. Although you prefer another cosmetics' line you continue to buy from her because doing so benefits her bottom line. The relationship that needs to be questioned is not the one with your best friend but the one you have with the purchasing of a product you really don’t like.

Am I following familial or communal traditions or societal rules that seemingly bind me to this relationship? Is the relationship based on social or scientific norms?

Some relationships when broken provoke shame and sometimes admonishment. Sometimes we are tied to an idea because it’s been in our lives so long that it is the only thing we know. Or many times we adopt what is normal and trying to meet that standard causes anxiety.

For example, I have been waking up around 3:30 a.m. each night. I was so concerned with getting my six to eight hours of sleep (as recommended by the medical community) each night that my shortened sleep was causing me anxiety. There are many cases where sleeping so few hours should be a concern and you should absolutely seek professional counsel, but in my case I felt all was well. I was not tired throughout the day and I eventually drifted off to sleep within an hour after I had awakened. Sometimes we have to create a new normal for ourselves.

Once I released the need to have a “normal” sleep pattern, I felt much better. As a matter-of-fact, I am now sleeping until 5:30 a.m. now!

What do your answers to the questions mean? What do I do now?

The answers to these questions are not weighted, so earning a certain score will not direct you to a chart or key to help you decide what to do. There are little intricacies and details that make your situation unique and no blog post should be making these decisions for you. The questions serve as a guide, a framework if you will, for formulating an action plan. The questions encourage internal dialogue and brainstorming. As individuals, we are the proprietor of most of the pertinent information needed to make these types of decisions about what remains. However, if you need help brainstorming answers, ask a trusted friend. Think of it like cleaning a garage; if we do it alone we might just reorganize the stuff and only end up placing it in a different spot! A friend can help by holding you accountable and ensuring you let go when you need to.

Important to note: Some relationships only need to be modified to move to a healthier or a more worthwhile version. So, before you plan your exit strategy make sure you’ve explored this option.

Good Luck and Happy Purging!

#purge #minimalism